Almost perfect

The world seems perfect. Sunny, blue skies, warmth and everything ideal. But one thing was missing.

The hand that fits perfectly into mine.
The arms that catch me and hold me when I fall.
The eyes that mirror my soul.
The heart that can accept me for who I am.
The one who can complete my sentences.

So easy to focus on climbing up the ladder.
So easy to be on the highest penthouse in the world.

And yet, you would stare out into the dark night surrounded by the beauty of the world and understand how alone you are.

How to return to being the person before?
How does one become this way?
How do we become so incapable of showing vulnerability?
How do we become so adamant to push people away?

The hardest battles to fight are the ones of the heart.

Vulnerable

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it round carefully with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in a casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change.It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, iredeemable. "

~CS Lewis~

I paused for a moment today and came across letters between you and me.

I sit in the quiet and reminiscence. Your words of pain and anguish ring in my mind. "Look at me. Look at me." You persistently implored. I looked away. You knew even then what I didn't know myself. I was drifting away right in front of your eyes.

It broke my heart all over again. The anguish and the pain I unknowingly caused you. I broke your heart along the way in my anger at having mine broken. I felt your pain and I'm sorry to have been the cause of it.

I didn't fight hard enough. I was too focused on shielding myself from hurt I never let you in.

When there was a problem, I didn't stay to fight, I ran away.
When there was any excuse to be found, I took it.
When you tried so hard to be part of my life, I slammed the door in your face.
I wasn't fair. I know that now. And for that, I am sorry.

I remember the day I read that quote. As clear as day. Past pain and anger cloaked my eyes and I snatched back my heart out of reach. I took it and placed it in a casket of my mind and set it adrift. And I watched all these years as it stayed locked up. Safe. I busied myself with other things and buried my attentions in other things.

Locked away all these years. Alone. Isolated. Trapped. Almost forgotten in the deep recesses of my mind. And I dully wondered if that was to be the end of it. Had I sent it to its watery grave? Had I buried it so far in the forests of my mind that it was just fade away in the mists of the swamps and someday sink to the bottom of the ocean of my soul?

Its a difficult thing to make yourself vulnerable. But love cannot be found in isolation. It cannot be found at closed doors.

When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.
There you will find love.

Peace and Quiet

Do you know what I love most about being in theatres? The peace and quiet. The controlled environment. The focus on the task at hand. The incredible work of art that surgery is.

And the list can probably go on and on. But bottomline - I love the peace and quiet. Where nothing exists beyond those 4 walls and the people in that room.

Today, I had my day planned out in my mind. Rounds, MDM meeting,s consultant rounds, and then to OT. I didn't have a lot of patients. It was do-able. Granted it was a lot of juggling and I pre-empted it will be a hectic morning given the tight schedule... still... it was possible.

But the day, turned out a complete opposite of what I had anticipated. Something was in the air today. Everything just seemed so disorganized and every single one of my well laid plans hit a speed bump. It frustrated me to no ends.

On days like today, all I ever want to do is go to theatre and hide there all day. I could sit in OT all day and suture stuff or watch an interesting case. Not a problem. But drips and fluid orders and discharge planning? Its mundane, boring and i CANNOT wait for the day that I can stop putting in cannulas (or least I won't be the first one paged).

Peace and quiet. Treasure every moment of it.