Kindness

Kindness is an act of giving out of love. It is selfless. It brings out the best in humanity and restores our faith in this decadent world. Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness. You never know if you were placed there by Him for a time such as this - so don't walk away.

I had just watched the movie Pay It Forward and was completely inspired and touched by it. Then I discovered on tumblr that there was a Pay It Forward Day and a foundation and all sorts of stories attached to it. Granted that everyday should be a "pay it forward" day but what better time of the year than this to start if you haven't already.

Many years ago, I started a Charity Xmas tree in University for the sole intention of raising money each year for charities of our choice. I had an idea which I thought was impossible but my friends made it possible with their generous support. We handmade every single "ornament" that was sold and went on that tree. We used the money raised to buy food for the children of an orphanage and we gave them the rest of the donations.

Then, graduation happened. Work happened. People moved away and moved on. We forgot about the things we had done when we were younger and inspired. We felt we had more important things on our minds. Bills. Taxes. Promotions. Responsibilities. Adult life got thrust upon us and forced us to rearrange our priorities.

But seeing this movie, reminded me once more of how selflessly we gave when we were younger and there was less of "me". We had less but we gave more. We gave our time, our energy, our efforts. Our hearts. Expecting nothing in return.

I want to go back to a time like that. Where I can dream and have the courage and faith to turn my dreams into a reality.

I don't have a Christmas tree for charity this year. I don't have an institution or charity to work for. But I believe I can change something in my very own world. Kindness starts from within. Giving starts with us. And we can start with the people closest to us.

So this Christmas, as much as I love all things commercial about Christmas, spare a moment to think of what YOU can do for someone else. Do something unexpected. Challenge yourself. You never know who's day you might brighten, who's desperation you might relieve, who's life you might save. And then don't just think - do it. I know I will. :D

Heart vs Head

Love. It's the hardest thing to find and when you do find it, you're not sure if it'll last.

Emotions. The most vulnerable thing in the world. Take away all the money and wealth of a person in this world and it could not come close to comparing with the brokenness of a heart or a soul.

When one chooses love, do you choose with your head or your heart? Do you trust that its worth the risk or do you listen to your head that tells you of all the pain you'll be putting yourself through? Ultimately, is the love worth the pain?

I'm a practical person. I often choose with my head. But then that's where love isn't found. Times when I chose with my heart haven't fared well either. How does one balance the two?

It's the middle of the night and I sit here and wonder about things like love. *raise eyebrow* hm.

When

When you come home from work and all you wanna do is return to a pair of arms that will hold you.

When you've had a trying day and they know exactly how to make you feel better.

When all you feel like doing is crying and they know all they need to do is be there.

When you achieve the greatest thing in the world and all you want to do is share that moment with them.

When your idea of a wonderful time is laughing and gazing into their eyes and then falling asleep in their arms.

When you doubt yourself and they support you and encourage you and bring out the best in you.

When it becomes okay for them to see your vulnerability.

When you trust your heart in their hands with all your soul.

When you stay during stormy times just because what you have is worth fighting for.

When you wake up every morning with no fear that their love for you will never change for all eternity.

When they can love you and kiss you even when you're at your worst.

That's when. That's when you've found a love worth fighting for and worth keeping.

Fickle

I know I'm probably ranting from a place within me. I acknowledge that the following things I say next do not apply to every single men.

But men are fickle creatures. They change their mind so quickly and become hot and cold faster than a change in Melbournian weather.

I am annoyed when the general decency and etiquette of today's men have seem to evaporate into thin air. I don't expect much considering we are friends and not that there was any interest involved but I think most men today need to be re-educated on what it's like to treat a lady.

Everyone is so involved in themselves. So inward looking. That they cease to be aware of their basic common courtesy.

To that, I say grow up.

I don't like immature boys. I prefer real gentleman who knows how to treat a lady like one.

Crashing Cars

When you dream of crashing cars and losing control of cars all week you know your subconscious is trying to tell you something is wrong. I wake up in the middle of the night with dreams of crashing cars.

Sometimes I was the driver. Sometimes I wasn't. Once I actually smashed into the truck and dreamt my arm had fractured and was almost severed. I had no control over my hands.

It was scary.

But repeated dreaming like that? That tells me something is brewing in my subconscious. But what is it that I'm losing control of?

Dreamer

I dream of a thousand things. Even as a child, my head was always in the clouds. I would gaze at the skies and marvel at the clouds, the stars, the velvet sky at night. The world would whizz by me and I was lost in my thoughts.

I dream of the ideal. I dream of the future. I dream of all the things I could possibly achieve in this life. I dream of the unattainable.

I am blessed to be here at my age and be where I am at now. But I have a desire to achieve more. People inspire me. The world inspires me. Music inspires me. Love inspires me. God inspires me.

Driven by my dreams, I put my heart and soul to achieve more than I had ever dreamt. If I could reach and touch a thousand lives... if I could change a million lives... but I am blessed to work and change one life at a time.

If I could dance throughout life. If I could make people laugh and love their life. If I could give people a life worth living for and moments to live for.

I feel like I have so much to do and yet I wish I could learn faster.

Everything starts with a dream. Then comes the passion, strength and drive to achieve it. And when you do...the dream becomes reality and you can reach for the stars and change the world.

Take A Breath

We rush about our busy lives. Appointments. Deadlines. Meetings. Emergencies.

From the moment we open our eyes to the moment our head hits the pillow at night. You feel like you've done so much for the day. And yet, you can't recall what you did.

Every step feels rushed. Time equates money. Time measures efficacy. Time the benchmark of productivity.

Life starts to pass by in a whirl. Like a gust of wind. No time to stop. From one thing on to the next. Even sleep is like a rush.

The things you love begin losing its lustre. Like a cup of coffee without its aroma. Like a basketball that has lost its bounce.

Stop. Listen. Look. Breath.

Pause. Did you hear that? That's your heartbeat.

Pause. Did you see that? Life continues even when you pause.

Pause. Did you feel that? That's what it feels to stop and breath.

Sad

Tonight I'm a little sad. It bubbled forth unexpectedly. I had held it together for days. I didn't think about things. I didn't feel sorry for myself. I tried to act on positivity.

Exploring different facets and ideas in my mind. It kept me preoccupied.

Then catch me off guard, the loneliness and sadness descended upon me in a wave. People around me were none the wiser. I hide like that. All the time.

And then I come home. Now. And feel the sadness. Like an echo in my soul... a chasm that cannot be filled...

Heartbeats

Lub dub lub dub
The first beats of life
And a smile from the midwife
Blood courses through the veins
And a life story begins

Lub dub lub dub
The panicked pains of a mother
Whenever he slips or falls over
The proud thump of her heart
As he grows up strong, handsome and smart

Lub dub lub dub
The heart - the centre of a being
So vital to keep us breathing
So quiet and unassuming
Strong yet capable of breaking

Lub dub lub dub
The song of two hearts meeting
Intertwined to give each other meaning
His felt like a thumping bass
Over the clinking of their glass

Lub dub lub dub
Hearts became his profession
Sounds, beats, thumps and rhythms
To carry another's life in his hands
He became the best in the land

Lub dub lub dub
Decades later somewhere in the night
His soul is ready to take flight
Heart beats slowing down
All too soon, he was heaven bound.

Lub dub lub dub
Somewhere else in the world
Another tiny life unfurled
And so begins another heartbeat
The symphony of life remains complete

Lub dub lub dub
Oh the stories of heartbeats
Each a different tale of different feats
Not one less than the other
Melodies of the universe one after another.

PS. Trying my hand at writing poetry again. This was written with the idea of the sound of a beating heart in my mind. Please feel free to critique. Open to feedback.

Write

So much to write. Not sure where to begin.

Inspiration kicks in. Words flow. Ideas in my head.

Where did this come from?
Finding a secret part of myself.
So new and so unsure.

Another discovery.
Another love.

Share myself? With the world?

Would they laugh?
Would they turn their backs?
Would they applaud?

To write is to share.
To share is to give a part of your soul.
To give is to be vulnerable.
To be vulnerable is to be brave.

Can I do it?
Should I do it?

Tears of the Sea

I gaze out onto the water. It was a beautiful moonlit night. The water shimmered and I look across to the horizon and admire its serenity.

The tranquil calmness surrounds me. But the storm in my heart continues to rage.

I try to silence the howling winds of my entrapped emotions. I sit perfectly still in an effort to become one with the stillness of the world. In hopes that internally, I may be stilled.

But the silence only served to amplify the sorrows of my heart. I could hear the battle in my mind. The storm had been brewing but the din and noise of daily living had shut them out of the conscious mind.

Tonight. It was different. Tonight. My heart broke with every lie and every truth. No beauty could still the beast raging in my heart.

I closed my eyes and wondered why.

And a silent tear slid down my cheek and dropped into the sea...

Positivity

I've been pretty negative about a lot of things in my life. I worry. I fret. I frown. I get easily angered and annoyed. People who know me will nod in agreement that majority of the time I am a pessimist. Mainly because of different experiences I had gone through that had shaped mistrust in a lot of situations.

But change is about to happen. Positive thinking.

The greatest challenge to positive thinking is that it is naturally harder.

Ask anyone. It's easier to go down the route of negative thinking.

But I have learnt that the vibe you send out attracts similar vibes to you. If you're positive, the experience you have is positive and the ppl and things you attract will be positive. And vice versa.

Positive thinking begets change. It brings on confidence and success. It fills you with hope and strength and all the positive things life can offer.

I made the choice yesterday to start my day with a positive thought. One step at a time. One thing a day. One thing to be grateful for. One thing to be happy about.

And I found that I had more than one. I had blessings. In abundance. Things we take for granted until we open our eyes to them.

All of a sudden, my entire outlook of life is different. I felt happier. i felt more content.

It remains to be seen how long I can be positive for. But I will try.
One day at a time. One positive thought at a time.

Writers of our own Lives

We are the writers of our own lives. Authors of own storyboard.

I've been in an emotional standstill. Waiting. Hoping. But nothing was moving forward.
Realization struck. I had fallen back into my own trap. I was stuck in the same emotional rut.
I was avoiding. Avoiding all my fears with an excuse I created in my head.

I was in misery.
I was in confusion.
But.
It wasn't supposed to be this hard.
It wasn't supposed to be this confusing.
I struggled to understand.

And then I realised with startling clarity.
This was all my own doing.
This was my own self-inflicted misery.
This was all in my own head.
This was not progress.

If my life were a book, it would be sad to realise I was repeating the same mistakes over and over again and the storyboard always had the same storyline. How boring would that be! So boring that I didn't even want to get to the end of my own story!! I knew already how it would all end. And I was missing everything in between. The real stuff. Life. Love.

But I am the writer of my own story. I can choose. I can choose to change it here and now. Make my storyboard interesting and full of life. Or I can choose to continue living in negativity and false hopes as life whizzed past me.

For awhile back there, I was present. I was here. I was in the now.
Then I lost myself again. I knew it would not be an easy road to recovery. But I never thought it would be so easy to slip back.

I had forgotten to be present in my life. To live every moment.
I had learnt to let go of the past. That was done. Over. No longer living in the past.
But I had not learnt to stop projecting into the future.
And life was passing me by while I was at a grand standstill.

So now I stop.
Take a breathe.
Wake up and decide once and for all to live in the real world.
To face my fears.
To stop avoiding.
To learn to live a little.
To ditch all the negative scripts in my life and learn to be positively present every single day.

You can do it too.
Remember - you're the author of your own life.

Doubt

On days like these, I doubt myself and wonder if I'm really competent. I wonder if I can do this for the rest of my life. Some days when things get under control, I feel on top of the world. On days like these where everything seems to go wrong, I wonder why I am doing this.

It's been a terrible week for me. Case after case of conundrums, prisoners, unwell patients. I find myself second guessing myself more than half the time. I am not comfortable in this environment. I wish fervently to be back in my element in theatre.

I struggled hard this week and even more so tonight as I juggled two ill patients. This is precisely when I realise my inadequacies. When I become tonight so acutely aware of my difficulties. Its been a long time since I have felt like this. In a way its good, as it shakes me from my comfort zone and makes me aware of where I need to be more comfortable. However, at the same time, it is disconcerting and troubling to me to realise that I am struggling.

Doubt. My confidence has been shaken. I have so much more to learn. I am not ready to take on the full responsibility yet.

I need to build up my confidence. I need to do more.

Winter Walk

I walk in the blistering cold with my black coat pulled tightly around me. The icy cold blast of the morning at 5am chilled me to the bone. With hands pushed deep into my pockets and my iPod playing, I smile. The crunch of snow below my boots. The early morning air was crisp and the silence of the world was tangible as I walked past houses where people were still in bed. The world was asleep and everything else was mine.

I breathed deeply and lost myself into the music surrounding my world and the surreal quietness surrounding me. Clean, white snow. Even the trees and bushes had dustings of snowlike little diamond jewels adorning their branches. Everything pristine. Everything calm. Everything fresh and new. Its pure beauty - breathtaking.

I walk briskly towards my destination as the skyline gradually lightens and the sun begins to rise to greet me. The world was beginning to stir. Soon, it would be hustling and bustling with activity and the world will be swept up again in the material world.

It is only in silence that other thoughts apart from work get a chance to be heard. My thoughts swirl to you and I feel warm inside despite the frosty wind. As I walk and push through the doors of work, I grin as I prepare to tackle the day. Any day is worth tackling with you in it... Any battle I can fight and conquer... You sustain me.

Note: The above is entirely fictional.

I promise

I promise

I promise not to turn and run

I promise to hold fast and stand still and overcome my fear

I promise to never hurt you

I promise to reach out with the gentlest touch

I promise to care for you in every single day of my life

I promise to be patient and understanding

I promise to shower you with love you have never felt

I promise to kiss you with the gentlest butterfly kisses and with the deepest passion

I promise to face every storm by your side

I promise to be everything that I can for you

I promise

Because I want you in my life.

Fear is Paralysing

Do I make the leap?
How do I know when the time is right?
Am I ready?

People put themselves out there on the dating scene.
I have been hiding in fear. For years.
People assume I have a bf or that I am engaged or married.
I can't even tell you the amount of time ppl have asked me those questions.

I wanna go out there again.
I wanna be able to love again.
I wanna feel secure and loved beyond doubt.

I didn't know what I want years ago.
Now I know.
Except that I can't bring myself to step out.
Step out of my comfort zone.

I am so very afraid to feel the hurt and rejection and disappointment again.
I fear never recovering again.
So I hide. I hide behind a wall of distance.

And I am so scared to make that first move.
So terrified.
It scares me more than making an incision for surgery.

I feel it is time to bite the bullet.
I know I'm ready in my heart for a proper relationship.
I know I'm ready and fully committed now.
The question is... how do I overcome this utter fear of taking the first step of dating?

Dream

Sometimes I'm afraid to fall in love with a dream.

You're a dream in my heart.
You're everything I picture a guy should be.
But dreams don't last.
And dreams shatter.
Dreams seem to never hold their fairy-like quality.
They never seem to come true.

Hence, I pause.

Because I'm afraid to fall in love with a dream.

Determination

I'm back!!!

It's been a long 2 weeks. But exams are over and done with.

It's been nothing but sheer hard work for 2 whole weeks. With no distractions. Nothing but a total focus on the end result.

As I walked to my car one day after class I was struck by a thought. On how fierce I had a desire for this. I had a burning, consuming desire to get it over and done with. To achieve something else under my belt. To collect another accolade. It had been so long..

I had such fierce determination... I was gonna do it or die trying. It was an eye-opener. on how far I would go to get something I really wanted. I only wondered if I found the fire a little too late...

But it was all good. I have good news. I am now a holder of a postgrad degree. =)

3 hours sleep every night for a whole week. I survived. I did it. I was quite honestly THAT close to giving it up and walking away. It got to me. It did. I had never felt so underprepared. I felt the pressure and the stress that was unbelievable. Wasn't so much as expectation of others. But it was what I expected of myself. I am always tough on myself. I expect nothing less than to do my very best.

I told myself I was not a quitter. I had a dream. A great desire to succeed. By virtue of sheer willpower and determination, i actually pulled through.



So I say to all of you. Never underestimate what you can do. Search deep in your soul and look for that fire, that all-consuming desire and passion when you want something and then go for it. You'll be surprised at what you can achieve..;p

Realization

I'm beginning to realise that you have a trait that I don't like very much...

Shoes at the door

You never would have thought that a simple act of having shoes at your door could provoke such a feeling.

When you wake up and walk out of your room to see shoes at your door.
HIS shoes.
Not your brother's. Not yours. HIS.
HIS and HERS.

It portrays such an intimacy in my mind.
It's like you've invited this guy into your life.
Into your little sanctuary you call home.

But those shoes.
They mean something.
When once you're doorway was empty.
The home was silent.
Now they mean something.
Someone's waiting.
Someone's at home.
Someone's here for YOU.

It occurred to me how we walk by shoes in the doorway. Tons of shoes.
Sometimes, we forget how shoes at the doorway signify something special.
And we take them for granted and walk right past them without narry a thought.

But even shoes that don't belong to HIM. Belong to friends.
When you're alone, it's empty.
When you're friends are around and your life is full of love, plenty of friend's shoes at the door. Like at a party. Or a gathering. Or a girlie pow-wow.
How in the world did your doorway signify so much?

Startling isn't it?
Shoes at the door.
What a reflection of the relationships in our lives.


PS. I couldn't help myself. I had to post something up. And no. There's no shoes at my door at the moment. ;p It was just an observation that I had to share. =) And those shoes aren't mine. They were a picture we took of shoes belonging to a pair of friends long ago. ;)

Life is A Journey

I have so much to blog!! But I haven't got the time as I am cramming for exams. Saving them for later... =D

Life can be such a journey. When we open ourselves up then we find little learning experiences that shape you. Its an exciting time filled with ups and downs. I've missed that feeling. Having been insulated for so long...

God, I can't wait for this to be over and then I can resume everything that I love and MORE!

Disappointment

Disappointment.
It hurts.
It burns.
It brings darkness.

Sink into the bass of music
To the deep earthy tones
Assault of the senses
Cease to feel in that darkness

But you can't escape
Wake up
Get up
Seek control again

Better day will come
Believe it
Trust in it
And smile again...

Life is like a cup of coffee

I am an avid coffee lover and I love my coffee. I drink coffee everyday. I can't function without it. I recently came across a random blog describing life as a cup of coffee and I thought it was so true and inspiring that I felt like I had to share it. So here it is:

Life is like a cup of coffee. Coffee is bitter but almost everyone loves it. Life has many suffering but almost everyone loves to have life. People add sugar and milk to coffee to make it less bitter. Everyone adds variety to life to make life less boring and suffering.

Life Is like a cup of coffee. Coffee is so additive. Those who drink coffee everyday cannot live a day without coffee. Life is additive as none of us is willing to give up life.

Life is like a cup of coffee. To enjoy a cup of coffee, you must enjoy every sip. To enjoy life, you must enjoy everyday of your life.

Life is like a cup of coffee. Sometimes you like to drink coffee alone and sometimes in a group. Life is the same. Sometimes you like to be alone and sometimes with your loved ones.

Life is like a cup of coffee. There are many types of coffee just like there are many different types of life.

Life is like a cup of coffee. Coffee tastes best when it is hot. Same for your life. You are enjoying life when you are "hot" in luck, "hot" among your friends and "hot" in your career. Being "hot" is like the afternoon sun, strongest and brightest part of your whole life.

Next time when you drink a cup of coffee, reflect about your life.

Shooting stars

B.o.B ft Hayley Williams - Airplanes Lyrics

Get this widget | Track details | eSnips Social DNA

[Chorus Hayley Williams]
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now) (wish right now)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now) (wish right now)

[Verse 1 B.o.B]
Yeah
I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this
Cause after all the partyin’ and smashin’ and crashin’
And all the glitz and the glam and the fashion
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time where you fade to the blackness
And when you’re staring at that phone in your lap
And you hoping but them people never call you back
But that’s just how the story unfolds
You get another hand soon after you fold
And when your plans unravel
And they sayin’ what would you wish for
If you had one chance
So airplane airplane sorry I’m late
I’m on my way so don’t close that gate
If I don’t make that then I’ll switch my flight
And I’ll be right back at it by the end of the night

[Chorus Hayley Williams]

[Verse 2 B.o.B]
Somebody take me back to the days
Before this was a job, before I got paid
Before it ever mattered what I had in my bank
Yeah back when I was tryin’ to get into the subway
And back when I was rappin’ for the hell of it
But now a days we rappin’ to stay relevant
I’m guessin that if we can make some wishes outta airplanes
Then maybe yo maybe I’ll go back to the days
Before the politics that we call the rap game
And back when ain’t nobody listened to my mix tape
And back before I tried to cover up my slang
But this is for the Cada, what’s up Bobby Ray
So can I get a wish to end the politics
And get back to the music that started this shit
So here I stand and then again I say
I’m hopin’ we can make some wishes outta airplanes?

________________________________________________________________


Shooting stars...

Don't we all wish we had some?

I remember seeing one as a child. At least I think I saw it. I may not have, but I like to believe that I did. I was 5 years old. In the car at night. And I saw a streaking beautiful light across the night sky. I'm not sure if I made a wish back then. But it was beautiful. It was breathtaking. I didn't tell anyone. I kept it my beautiful little secret.

Wouldn't you love to be on a wide vast open landscape right about now and see a burst of shooting stars?

Live

Alive.

It's been a long time I have felt this way. Felt a happiness and contentment with my life that was so deep-seated and genuine. Years maybe.

What's the secret?

Live. Be alive. Be present.

For too long, I had been living in the past. So much easier to play the victim. Buried myself in work that nothing else existed beyond the 4 walls of the hospital.

Then I shed my past but began worrying about the future. When the expectations are not met, it leads to disappointment. Disappointment after disappointment begets more depression. There is no harm in aiming high but I need to stop trying to be 10 steps ahead of myself.

Stop living in the past.
Stop worrying about the future and things beyond my control.
Live in the present. Live each moment as it comes.
Expect less. Give more.
Live simply. Live with a purpose.

I'm finally learning to live my own life instead of watching other people live theirs.

Live. Be alive. Be present.

Find

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,

who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat,
or will stay awake just to watch you sleep...

wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats,

who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.

One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares
and how lucky he is to have you...

the one who turns to his friends and says,
"that's her!"

~anon

I Am Not There

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do but sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.

Yesterday was Grandpa's funeral. I thought I was over the grieving. It was like an emotional distancing when I went that morning. Disassociation.

And halfway through the ceremony, as the pastor spoke about Grandpa's last few days and conversations he had with him, I broke down. Grandpa was saying how he will go back to God whenever God calls him to, he is ready. And on any last words for his children or grandchildren? He had nothing to add saying that he was pleased and proud of what each and everyone of us had become. He was proud of our achievements.

And at that point, I couldn't stop the floodgates. Because I could now never have a grandpa present at any life milestone. Be it marriage or a kid.

The startling clarity of what we had lost came to me the moment I landed in Sibu - my grandparents home. There was no grandma, no grandpa. The house had been stripped bare now of their belongings because none of the children lived here anymore. Their belongings had been packed away. Pictures were taken down from the walls - pictures of children and grandchildren graduations, weddings, family photos. In their place, dusty outlines of where they once hung.

And on the last day as I walked around the home, I realised how we were never coming back to this house ever again for the family new year reunion. No more kitchen with overflowing food.

You were the kindest, simplest man I had ever known. So giving that even when you were sick, you gave your money to others who were sick. Always so obliging and generous.

I miss you Grandpa and I hope you're looking down proudly from Heaven.

Weary

There are days when I feel like I am carrying the weight of the whole world on my shoulders. It was the one thing that people don't quite comprehend.

Maybe he felt I was always complaining. Maybe he felt I was always worrying. Maybe he felt powerless to help me.

I am a worrier by nature. I take on the whole world and then some. I am a nurturer. I take care of my patients with the extra bit of care. I look after my regs and nurses around me. I look after my brothers and parents. I try to take on responsibility after responsibility and pile on ambition after ambition. I do that little bit more extra. In everything I do. A lot of invisible work that does not lend itself to extra letters behind my name or any achievement on paper that satisfies colleges.

But that is the way I am. I do not do what I do for the sake of recognition or validation.

But there are days like this that I feel tired. I feel weary. I feel that if I were to take on just a little bit more, I might run myself to the ground. The last person I take care of is myself.

And thus, if ever there was a man to be found for me - I need someone who can care for me. Who can love me at my worst. Who can be the strong one. Enough for both of us because I will need a safe place when I need to crumble..

Grandpa

Tonight you leave us. And I wasn't there.

I had hope you would hang on till after my exams but you have had a long fight. You have put up a good fight. Even now I find it hard to think of you in past tense.

You were my grandpa. The only grandfather figure I have had. And now you're gone.

I remember last week when I heard you had taken a turn for the worse. I wanted to know how long. I asked all the questions a typical patient's family would ask even though I knew the answers. A piece of string. How long is a piece of string?

I didn't know what to do with myself tonight after hearing the news. So much things to do and yet I couldn't move. And like a robot, I started to think of how to make up my missed classes and organizing flights home. I could control this. Bring some sort of order into my life.

I just had such happy news last night. With one hand the Lord giveth and with the other He taketh.

Suddenly all the memories become all the more dearer. I will miss all your wonderful cooking and how you used to slave away at the kitchen all day during New year. The kitchen was always overflowing with food. You in your blue shorts. You looking at me with a twinkle in your eye. You with your morning papers and cup of Milo in your hand. The way you answer phone calls - shouting down the phone as if the other person down the other end couldn't hear you. The way you fell asleep with the tv on. You calling out to me for help with things around the house.

Tonight I say goodnight forever Grandpa. And may you have sweet dreams forever.

Together

Furthermore, there is nothing greater than falling asleep with someone in your arms without even knowing it. Last thing you remember is having a conversation and you have absolutely no clue how you fell asleep.

Then you wake up, and for just that moment, nothing in the world disturbs you. There is nothing else in your mind except the thought of the person next to you. You stop thinking about your pointless existence, about how miserable your life is because for that single instant, nothing feels wrong. Nothing.
If I could think of a purpose to exist, it would be for that moment.

Sands of Time

Have you wondered how much sand is in your hour glass of life? Every second, the sands of time of your life slip away. How much have you made each handful count?

I received word this morning that my grandpa has taken a turn for the worse. I sit here and ponder as I pray. What is it like to be nearing the end? Do you know when the last drops of sand are about to fall? Can u see the hour-glass of your life and know you have but a few drops left? When the last grain falls...

I pray Grandpa that God gives u a little more time. I wish I could have spent more time with you. I hope you know how much all of us love you to pieces...

Autumn

There is beauty even in death...

Outside in the cold crisp air with the drizzling rain, I looked down the streets of my home. The trees had turned a golden red and lined the street in their new attire. The coldness invigorates and the wind plays with your hair and caresses your cheeks, whispering secrets of the world. Their leaves scatter on the ground like a golden red carpet welcoming you.

The rich colours and quiet stillness is reminiscent of a person's life just before he dies...mature, rich with experience, and the best of nature's beauty is revealed. A symbol that all things can come to an end and start anew.

There is nothing more that I love than embracing that solitude where things of life are far away at the back of my mind. Where all that matters is the breath that fills my lungs and the steady steps of my feet. My mind is blisfully blank and for awhile....the world is perfect... where reality is far away and the world is yours to weave to your imagination.

A gift

Have you wondered what your gift was to the world? What has God set you on your path for? You have a purpose. You were created for a reason. You somehow know in the depths of your heart that your destiny awaits.

As a surgeon, you have the gift of blessed hands. Hands that close wounds. Hands that tie off bleeding arteries. Hands that save a life. Its a tremendous gift. A gift that comes with its own hefty price no doubt.

But would you give up your gift? Would you stand aside and let your gift go to waste?

I live for my patients. I live to learn to one day have that ability to save a life. I find the greatest pleasure in knowing I have made a difference in a life - even if it was just a "pretty" wound. A wound alone is a battlescar and a proof that your hands have been there. Its our personal mark, signature if you will, on another person's life. So yes, I will close every wound with a little more care and to the best of my ability no matter how small.


But the greatest gift of all is just being their doctor.

Its hard when patients are handed the death sentence and as a surgeon you can no longer help and you stand helplessly. Watching and feeling the inevitableness of mortality. When you feel like your hands are tied. You can still give a gift.

You can care. Don't scurry away from the door of your perceived failure to save a life. Walk in and be a friend. And it amazes me time and again how a simple act of empathy bonds us. Sometimes, no words are required. A kind word. A shake of a hand. A pat on the back. A smile. A minute can make all the difference.

Everything you do each day can be a gift unto others. Surgery and its awesomeness. Medicine and its awesomeness. Love and its awesomeness. Humanity and its awesomeness.

If I could

If I could take your hand and run away.
If I could catch the breeze and send it your way.
If I could hold a star in the palm of my hand.
If I could let go of the world and gaze heavenwards.
If I could hear the symphony of raindrops and laugh.
If I could feel the trees whisper sweet nothings.
If I could stand on top of a mountain and hold the serenity in a jar.
If I could be at the seaside at night hearing waves crash upon rock with the salty sea spray.
If I could give you my heart, in all its fragility, to hold.
If I could be lost in a moment...and hold it there forever...

Almost perfect

The world seems perfect. Sunny, blue skies, warmth and everything ideal. But one thing was missing.

The hand that fits perfectly into mine.
The arms that catch me and hold me when I fall.
The eyes that mirror my soul.
The heart that can accept me for who I am.
The one who can complete my sentences.

So easy to focus on climbing up the ladder.
So easy to be on the highest penthouse in the world.

And yet, you would stare out into the dark night surrounded by the beauty of the world and understand how alone you are.

How to return to being the person before?
How does one become this way?
How do we become so incapable of showing vulnerability?
How do we become so adamant to push people away?

The hardest battles to fight are the ones of the heart.

Vulnerable

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it round carefully with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in a casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change.It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, iredeemable. "

~CS Lewis~

I paused for a moment today and came across letters between you and me.

I sit in the quiet and reminiscence. Your words of pain and anguish ring in my mind. "Look at me. Look at me." You persistently implored. I looked away. You knew even then what I didn't know myself. I was drifting away right in front of your eyes.

It broke my heart all over again. The anguish and the pain I unknowingly caused you. I broke your heart along the way in my anger at having mine broken. I felt your pain and I'm sorry to have been the cause of it.

I didn't fight hard enough. I was too focused on shielding myself from hurt I never let you in.

When there was a problem, I didn't stay to fight, I ran away.
When there was any excuse to be found, I took it.
When you tried so hard to be part of my life, I slammed the door in your face.
I wasn't fair. I know that now. And for that, I am sorry.

I remember the day I read that quote. As clear as day. Past pain and anger cloaked my eyes and I snatched back my heart out of reach. I took it and placed it in a casket of my mind and set it adrift. And I watched all these years as it stayed locked up. Safe. I busied myself with other things and buried my attentions in other things.

Locked away all these years. Alone. Isolated. Trapped. Almost forgotten in the deep recesses of my mind. And I dully wondered if that was to be the end of it. Had I sent it to its watery grave? Had I buried it so far in the forests of my mind that it was just fade away in the mists of the swamps and someday sink to the bottom of the ocean of my soul?

Its a difficult thing to make yourself vulnerable. But love cannot be found in isolation. It cannot be found at closed doors.

When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.
There you will find love.

Peace and Quiet

Do you know what I love most about being in theatres? The peace and quiet. The controlled environment. The focus on the task at hand. The incredible work of art that surgery is.

And the list can probably go on and on. But bottomline - I love the peace and quiet. Where nothing exists beyond those 4 walls and the people in that room.

Today, I had my day planned out in my mind. Rounds, MDM meeting,s consultant rounds, and then to OT. I didn't have a lot of patients. It was do-able. Granted it was a lot of juggling and I pre-empted it will be a hectic morning given the tight schedule... still... it was possible.

But the day, turned out a complete opposite of what I had anticipated. Something was in the air today. Everything just seemed so disorganized and every single one of my well laid plans hit a speed bump. It frustrated me to no ends.

On days like today, all I ever want to do is go to theatre and hide there all day. I could sit in OT all day and suture stuff or watch an interesting case. Not a problem. But drips and fluid orders and discharge planning? Its mundane, boring and i CANNOT wait for the day that I can stop putting in cannulas (or least I won't be the first one paged).

Peace and quiet. Treasure every moment of it.

Wielding my pen

I thought a fresh new year should mean a fresh new slate. Hence, the wipe out of all my old posts from years ago.

Haven't been blogging since mid-June last year. I needed a break. Because blogging started becoming a chore. And I found I had less and less significant things to say other than just rambling on about my day or something completely and utterly insignificant. I used to love writing. By end of last year, I was struggling to find the words.

Its hard to write when you try to censor everything you write so nothing comes across as too personal. But therein lay the problem. How do you write something when your soul is not into it? Quite simply - you can't. It just becomes mundane.

But I've thought about it long and hard and I want to write again because who knows, maybe something I write may lift someone's spirit up for the day. Maybe it'll inspire someone. Maybe it'll give them insight in some areas of my life. Maybe it might just bore them to tears. *shrugs*

So here I am, back again with a renewed sense of writing. I have to admit that I won't be blogging quite as often as before as most time is taken up by studying and working. But when the mood strikes, I'll be wielding my pen again. Or in this case, my keyboard. =)