Doubt

On days like these, I doubt myself and wonder if I'm really competent. I wonder if I can do this for the rest of my life. Some days when things get under control, I feel on top of the world. On days like these where everything seems to go wrong, I wonder why I am doing this.

It's been a terrible week for me. Case after case of conundrums, prisoners, unwell patients. I find myself second guessing myself more than half the time. I am not comfortable in this environment. I wish fervently to be back in my element in theatre.

I struggled hard this week and even more so tonight as I juggled two ill patients. This is precisely when I realise my inadequacies. When I become tonight so acutely aware of my difficulties. Its been a long time since I have felt like this. In a way its good, as it shakes me from my comfort zone and makes me aware of where I need to be more comfortable. However, at the same time, it is disconcerting and troubling to me to realise that I am struggling.

Doubt. My confidence has been shaken. I have so much more to learn. I am not ready to take on the full responsibility yet.

I need to build up my confidence. I need to do more.