Disappointment

Disappointment.
It hurts.
It burns.
It brings darkness.

Sink into the bass of music
To the deep earthy tones
Assault of the senses
Cease to feel in that darkness

But you can't escape
Wake up
Get up
Seek control again

Better day will come
Believe it
Trust in it
And smile again...

Life is like a cup of coffee

I am an avid coffee lover and I love my coffee. I drink coffee everyday. I can't function without it. I recently came across a random blog describing life as a cup of coffee and I thought it was so true and inspiring that I felt like I had to share it. So here it is:

Life is like a cup of coffee. Coffee is bitter but almost everyone loves it. Life has many suffering but almost everyone loves to have life. People add sugar and milk to coffee to make it less bitter. Everyone adds variety to life to make life less boring and suffering.

Life Is like a cup of coffee. Coffee is so additive. Those who drink coffee everyday cannot live a day without coffee. Life is additive as none of us is willing to give up life.

Life is like a cup of coffee. To enjoy a cup of coffee, you must enjoy every sip. To enjoy life, you must enjoy everyday of your life.

Life is like a cup of coffee. Sometimes you like to drink coffee alone and sometimes in a group. Life is the same. Sometimes you like to be alone and sometimes with your loved ones.

Life is like a cup of coffee. There are many types of coffee just like there are many different types of life.

Life is like a cup of coffee. Coffee tastes best when it is hot. Same for your life. You are enjoying life when you are "hot" in luck, "hot" among your friends and "hot" in your career. Being "hot" is like the afternoon sun, strongest and brightest part of your whole life.

Next time when you drink a cup of coffee, reflect about your life.

Shooting stars

B.o.B ft Hayley Williams - Airplanes Lyrics

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[Chorus Hayley Williams]
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now) (wish right now)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now) (wish right now)

[Verse 1 B.o.B]
Yeah
I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this
Cause after all the partyin’ and smashin’ and crashin’
And all the glitz and the glam and the fashion
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time where you fade to the blackness
And when you’re staring at that phone in your lap
And you hoping but them people never call you back
But that’s just how the story unfolds
You get another hand soon after you fold
And when your plans unravel
And they sayin’ what would you wish for
If you had one chance
So airplane airplane sorry I’m late
I’m on my way so don’t close that gate
If I don’t make that then I’ll switch my flight
And I’ll be right back at it by the end of the night

[Chorus Hayley Williams]

[Verse 2 B.o.B]
Somebody take me back to the days
Before this was a job, before I got paid
Before it ever mattered what I had in my bank
Yeah back when I was tryin’ to get into the subway
And back when I was rappin’ for the hell of it
But now a days we rappin’ to stay relevant
I’m guessin that if we can make some wishes outta airplanes
Then maybe yo maybe I’ll go back to the days
Before the politics that we call the rap game
And back when ain’t nobody listened to my mix tape
And back before I tried to cover up my slang
But this is for the Cada, what’s up Bobby Ray
So can I get a wish to end the politics
And get back to the music that started this shit
So here I stand and then again I say
I’m hopin’ we can make some wishes outta airplanes?

________________________________________________________________


Shooting stars...

Don't we all wish we had some?

I remember seeing one as a child. At least I think I saw it. I may not have, but I like to believe that I did. I was 5 years old. In the car at night. And I saw a streaking beautiful light across the night sky. I'm not sure if I made a wish back then. But it was beautiful. It was breathtaking. I didn't tell anyone. I kept it my beautiful little secret.

Wouldn't you love to be on a wide vast open landscape right about now and see a burst of shooting stars?

Live

Alive.

It's been a long time I have felt this way. Felt a happiness and contentment with my life that was so deep-seated and genuine. Years maybe.

What's the secret?

Live. Be alive. Be present.

For too long, I had been living in the past. So much easier to play the victim. Buried myself in work that nothing else existed beyond the 4 walls of the hospital.

Then I shed my past but began worrying about the future. When the expectations are not met, it leads to disappointment. Disappointment after disappointment begets more depression. There is no harm in aiming high but I need to stop trying to be 10 steps ahead of myself.

Stop living in the past.
Stop worrying about the future and things beyond my control.
Live in the present. Live each moment as it comes.
Expect less. Give more.
Live simply. Live with a purpose.

I'm finally learning to live my own life instead of watching other people live theirs.

Live. Be alive. Be present.

Find

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,

who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat,
or will stay awake just to watch you sleep...

wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats,

who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.

One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares
and how lucky he is to have you...

the one who turns to his friends and says,
"that's her!"

~anon

I Am Not There

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do but sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.

Yesterday was Grandpa's funeral. I thought I was over the grieving. It was like an emotional distancing when I went that morning. Disassociation.

And halfway through the ceremony, as the pastor spoke about Grandpa's last few days and conversations he had with him, I broke down. Grandpa was saying how he will go back to God whenever God calls him to, he is ready. And on any last words for his children or grandchildren? He had nothing to add saying that he was pleased and proud of what each and everyone of us had become. He was proud of our achievements.

And at that point, I couldn't stop the floodgates. Because I could now never have a grandpa present at any life milestone. Be it marriage or a kid.

The startling clarity of what we had lost came to me the moment I landed in Sibu - my grandparents home. There was no grandma, no grandpa. The house had been stripped bare now of their belongings because none of the children lived here anymore. Their belongings had been packed away. Pictures were taken down from the walls - pictures of children and grandchildren graduations, weddings, family photos. In their place, dusty outlines of where they once hung.

And on the last day as I walked around the home, I realised how we were never coming back to this house ever again for the family new year reunion. No more kitchen with overflowing food.

You were the kindest, simplest man I had ever known. So giving that even when you were sick, you gave your money to others who were sick. Always so obliging and generous.

I miss you Grandpa and I hope you're looking down proudly from Heaven.

Weary

There are days when I feel like I am carrying the weight of the whole world on my shoulders. It was the one thing that people don't quite comprehend.

Maybe he felt I was always complaining. Maybe he felt I was always worrying. Maybe he felt powerless to help me.

I am a worrier by nature. I take on the whole world and then some. I am a nurturer. I take care of my patients with the extra bit of care. I look after my regs and nurses around me. I look after my brothers and parents. I try to take on responsibility after responsibility and pile on ambition after ambition. I do that little bit more extra. In everything I do. A lot of invisible work that does not lend itself to extra letters behind my name or any achievement on paper that satisfies colleges.

But that is the way I am. I do not do what I do for the sake of recognition or validation.

But there are days like this that I feel tired. I feel weary. I feel that if I were to take on just a little bit more, I might run myself to the ground. The last person I take care of is myself.

And thus, if ever there was a man to be found for me - I need someone who can care for me. Who can love me at my worst. Who can be the strong one. Enough for both of us because I will need a safe place when I need to crumble..

Grandpa

Tonight you leave us. And I wasn't there.

I had hope you would hang on till after my exams but you have had a long fight. You have put up a good fight. Even now I find it hard to think of you in past tense.

You were my grandpa. The only grandfather figure I have had. And now you're gone.

I remember last week when I heard you had taken a turn for the worse. I wanted to know how long. I asked all the questions a typical patient's family would ask even though I knew the answers. A piece of string. How long is a piece of string?

I didn't know what to do with myself tonight after hearing the news. So much things to do and yet I couldn't move. And like a robot, I started to think of how to make up my missed classes and organizing flights home. I could control this. Bring some sort of order into my life.

I just had such happy news last night. With one hand the Lord giveth and with the other He taketh.

Suddenly all the memories become all the more dearer. I will miss all your wonderful cooking and how you used to slave away at the kitchen all day during New year. The kitchen was always overflowing with food. You in your blue shorts. You looking at me with a twinkle in your eye. You with your morning papers and cup of Milo in your hand. The way you answer phone calls - shouting down the phone as if the other person down the other end couldn't hear you. The way you fell asleep with the tv on. You calling out to me for help with things around the house.

Tonight I say goodnight forever Grandpa. And may you have sweet dreams forever.

Together

Furthermore, there is nothing greater than falling asleep with someone in your arms without even knowing it. Last thing you remember is having a conversation and you have absolutely no clue how you fell asleep.

Then you wake up, and for just that moment, nothing in the world disturbs you. There is nothing else in your mind except the thought of the person next to you. You stop thinking about your pointless existence, about how miserable your life is because for that single instant, nothing feels wrong. Nothing.
If I could think of a purpose to exist, it would be for that moment.