Sad

Tonight I'm a little sad. It bubbled forth unexpectedly. I had held it together for days. I didn't think about things. I didn't feel sorry for myself. I tried to act on positivity.

Exploring different facets and ideas in my mind. It kept me preoccupied.

Then catch me off guard, the loneliness and sadness descended upon me in a wave. People around me were none the wiser. I hide like that. All the time.

And then I come home. Now. And feel the sadness. Like an echo in my soul... a chasm that cannot be filled...

Heartbeats

Lub dub lub dub
The first beats of life
And a smile from the midwife
Blood courses through the veins
And a life story begins

Lub dub lub dub
The panicked pains of a mother
Whenever he slips or falls over
The proud thump of her heart
As he grows up strong, handsome and smart

Lub dub lub dub
The heart - the centre of a being
So vital to keep us breathing
So quiet and unassuming
Strong yet capable of breaking

Lub dub lub dub
The song of two hearts meeting
Intertwined to give each other meaning
His felt like a thumping bass
Over the clinking of their glass

Lub dub lub dub
Hearts became his profession
Sounds, beats, thumps and rhythms
To carry another's life in his hands
He became the best in the land

Lub dub lub dub
Decades later somewhere in the night
His soul is ready to take flight
Heart beats slowing down
All too soon, he was heaven bound.

Lub dub lub dub
Somewhere else in the world
Another tiny life unfurled
And so begins another heartbeat
The symphony of life remains complete

Lub dub lub dub
Oh the stories of heartbeats
Each a different tale of different feats
Not one less than the other
Melodies of the universe one after another.

PS. Trying my hand at writing poetry again. This was written with the idea of the sound of a beating heart in my mind. Please feel free to critique. Open to feedback.

Write

So much to write. Not sure where to begin.

Inspiration kicks in. Words flow. Ideas in my head.

Where did this come from?
Finding a secret part of myself.
So new and so unsure.

Another discovery.
Another love.

Share myself? With the world?

Would they laugh?
Would they turn their backs?
Would they applaud?

To write is to share.
To share is to give a part of your soul.
To give is to be vulnerable.
To be vulnerable is to be brave.

Can I do it?
Should I do it?

Tears of the Sea

I gaze out onto the water. It was a beautiful moonlit night. The water shimmered and I look across to the horizon and admire its serenity.

The tranquil calmness surrounds me. But the storm in my heart continues to rage.

I try to silence the howling winds of my entrapped emotions. I sit perfectly still in an effort to become one with the stillness of the world. In hopes that internally, I may be stilled.

But the silence only served to amplify the sorrows of my heart. I could hear the battle in my mind. The storm had been brewing but the din and noise of daily living had shut them out of the conscious mind.

Tonight. It was different. Tonight. My heart broke with every lie and every truth. No beauty could still the beast raging in my heart.

I closed my eyes and wondered why.

And a silent tear slid down my cheek and dropped into the sea...

Positivity

I've been pretty negative about a lot of things in my life. I worry. I fret. I frown. I get easily angered and annoyed. People who know me will nod in agreement that majority of the time I am a pessimist. Mainly because of different experiences I had gone through that had shaped mistrust in a lot of situations.

But change is about to happen. Positive thinking.

The greatest challenge to positive thinking is that it is naturally harder.

Ask anyone. It's easier to go down the route of negative thinking.

But I have learnt that the vibe you send out attracts similar vibes to you. If you're positive, the experience you have is positive and the ppl and things you attract will be positive. And vice versa.

Positive thinking begets change. It brings on confidence and success. It fills you with hope and strength and all the positive things life can offer.

I made the choice yesterday to start my day with a positive thought. One step at a time. One thing a day. One thing to be grateful for. One thing to be happy about.

And I found that I had more than one. I had blessings. In abundance. Things we take for granted until we open our eyes to them.

All of a sudden, my entire outlook of life is different. I felt happier. i felt more content.

It remains to be seen how long I can be positive for. But I will try.
One day at a time. One positive thought at a time.

Writers of our own Lives

We are the writers of our own lives. Authors of own storyboard.

I've been in an emotional standstill. Waiting. Hoping. But nothing was moving forward.
Realization struck. I had fallen back into my own trap. I was stuck in the same emotional rut.
I was avoiding. Avoiding all my fears with an excuse I created in my head.

I was in misery.
I was in confusion.
But.
It wasn't supposed to be this hard.
It wasn't supposed to be this confusing.
I struggled to understand.

And then I realised with startling clarity.
This was all my own doing.
This was my own self-inflicted misery.
This was all in my own head.
This was not progress.

If my life were a book, it would be sad to realise I was repeating the same mistakes over and over again and the storyboard always had the same storyline. How boring would that be! So boring that I didn't even want to get to the end of my own story!! I knew already how it would all end. And I was missing everything in between. The real stuff. Life. Love.

But I am the writer of my own story. I can choose. I can choose to change it here and now. Make my storyboard interesting and full of life. Or I can choose to continue living in negativity and false hopes as life whizzed past me.

For awhile back there, I was present. I was here. I was in the now.
Then I lost myself again. I knew it would not be an easy road to recovery. But I never thought it would be so easy to slip back.

I had forgotten to be present in my life. To live every moment.
I had learnt to let go of the past. That was done. Over. No longer living in the past.
But I had not learnt to stop projecting into the future.
And life was passing me by while I was at a grand standstill.

So now I stop.
Take a breathe.
Wake up and decide once and for all to live in the real world.
To face my fears.
To stop avoiding.
To learn to live a little.
To ditch all the negative scripts in my life and learn to be positively present every single day.

You can do it too.
Remember - you're the author of your own life.

Doubt

On days like these, I doubt myself and wonder if I'm really competent. I wonder if I can do this for the rest of my life. Some days when things get under control, I feel on top of the world. On days like these where everything seems to go wrong, I wonder why I am doing this.

It's been a terrible week for me. Case after case of conundrums, prisoners, unwell patients. I find myself second guessing myself more than half the time. I am not comfortable in this environment. I wish fervently to be back in my element in theatre.

I struggled hard this week and even more so tonight as I juggled two ill patients. This is precisely when I realise my inadequacies. When I become tonight so acutely aware of my difficulties. Its been a long time since I have felt like this. In a way its good, as it shakes me from my comfort zone and makes me aware of where I need to be more comfortable. However, at the same time, it is disconcerting and troubling to me to realise that I am struggling.

Doubt. My confidence has been shaken. I have so much more to learn. I am not ready to take on the full responsibility yet.

I need to build up my confidence. I need to do more.

Winter Walk

I walk in the blistering cold with my black coat pulled tightly around me. The icy cold blast of the morning at 5am chilled me to the bone. With hands pushed deep into my pockets and my iPod playing, I smile. The crunch of snow below my boots. The early morning air was crisp and the silence of the world was tangible as I walked past houses where people were still in bed. The world was asleep and everything else was mine.

I breathed deeply and lost myself into the music surrounding my world and the surreal quietness surrounding me. Clean, white snow. Even the trees and bushes had dustings of snowlike little diamond jewels adorning their branches. Everything pristine. Everything calm. Everything fresh and new. Its pure beauty - breathtaking.

I walk briskly towards my destination as the skyline gradually lightens and the sun begins to rise to greet me. The world was beginning to stir. Soon, it would be hustling and bustling with activity and the world will be swept up again in the material world.

It is only in silence that other thoughts apart from work get a chance to be heard. My thoughts swirl to you and I feel warm inside despite the frosty wind. As I walk and push through the doors of work, I grin as I prepare to tackle the day. Any day is worth tackling with you in it... Any battle I can fight and conquer... You sustain me.

Note: The above is entirely fictional.

I promise

I promise

I promise not to turn and run

I promise to hold fast and stand still and overcome my fear

I promise to never hurt you

I promise to reach out with the gentlest touch

I promise to care for you in every single day of my life

I promise to be patient and understanding

I promise to shower you with love you have never felt

I promise to kiss you with the gentlest butterfly kisses and with the deepest passion

I promise to face every storm by your side

I promise to be everything that I can for you

I promise

Because I want you in my life.

Fear is Paralysing

Do I make the leap?
How do I know when the time is right?
Am I ready?

People put themselves out there on the dating scene.
I have been hiding in fear. For years.
People assume I have a bf or that I am engaged or married.
I can't even tell you the amount of time ppl have asked me those questions.

I wanna go out there again.
I wanna be able to love again.
I wanna feel secure and loved beyond doubt.

I didn't know what I want years ago.
Now I know.
Except that I can't bring myself to step out.
Step out of my comfort zone.

I am so very afraid to feel the hurt and rejection and disappointment again.
I fear never recovering again.
So I hide. I hide behind a wall of distance.

And I am so scared to make that first move.
So terrified.
It scares me more than making an incision for surgery.

I feel it is time to bite the bullet.
I know I'm ready in my heart for a proper relationship.
I know I'm ready and fully committed now.
The question is... how do I overcome this utter fear of taking the first step of dating?